To My Boy - On His First Birthday

I'm not sure if it's normal, but I find myself visualizing bad things on a fairly regular basis. Usually it's when I'm in the car; I'll see a horrible accident that doesn't happen. But sometimes I just think about what would happen if I wasn't around anymore.

The thought of my death never used to bother me, before I was a mom. It was never one of my fears, in fact I sometimes would wish I died in a really spectacular way, like a plane crash or shark attack, rather than in my sleep or of an old age illness. But now I have to live. Someone in the world really depends on me, and if I was to die soon it could really fuck him up.

I Don't Know How to Raise A Boy

Approaching 20 weeks into my pregnancy I was excited and nervous. Not only would it be the first (and only) time I actually saw the baby growing inside of me, but I was going to find out the gender of my child. 

I didn't realize how important gender was to me until I actually heard the words 'It's a boy'. I had wanted a boy. I was elated. But about two days later my head started to spin. I didn't know anything about boys! What the hell was I going to do with a little boy?

The 3 C's I Won't Discuss Online

Recently a story broke about a baby who died in Ontario as a result of a routine circumcision. It is tragic, and a reminder that all surgery comes with risks. The article, no matter where it was posted, came with a barrage of heated comments, both justifying and attacking the procedure. 

These comments put a spotlight on something I have been thinking about for some time: There are 3 C's in parenting that I will not discuss online. No matter how tempting, I refuse to contribute to them. 

The 1st C: Circumcision

I have a son. I had to make a choice to either do, or not do this procedure. I did a ton of research on circumcision, read countless articles and comments about it, and I have a very one sided opinion. But I won't tell you what it is online. I won't comment on any article about circumcision, no matter how bad I want to get my opinion across to those who disagree.

Your Child Is Alive, Job Done.

Forget the emotional attachment. Forget the fact that an alive human squished out of your body. Even forget those heart stopping moments of pure unabashed love. Sometimes having a kid comes down to the basics -- like literally just keeping them alive. And we don't really appreciate the fact that when it all boils down, that is really what our job as parents is. Let's change that:

Has your kid not reached that milestone all his peers have? Fuck it, you've kept him alive! And that's pretty amazing. 

Did your child cry today? Are they still alive? Way to go mama! You did your job!

Did you child spit out or throw every morsel of food you gave them? He's still alive isn't he? Job done!

The Worry

"Are you hoping for a boy or a girl?"

"It really doesn't matter, I just want them to be healthy."

Before I was pregnant I thought this exchange was habitual and meaningless. An automatic response from parents-to-be that hid their gender preference in case they didn't have what they really wanted. I didn't understand that really, more than anything, parents just want their kids to be healthy.