The Truth About Why Being a New Mom Is Hard

I've been doing some reflecting recently on the first few months of motherhood. I really found being a new mom challenging. With a one year old now running around and getting into everything, I look back at those early days and wonder what the hell was so hard? Babies have such basic needs: they don't move around, you have complete control over them... so why was I crying every day? Why was it so damn difficult?

After careful thought, I think I finally have some answers:

• It wasn't the baby that was hard, it was the reality finally hitting me that my life was never going to be the same, and having to actually accept that. 

To My Boy - On His First Birthday

I'm not sure if it's normal, but I find myself visualizing bad things on a fairly regular basis. Usually it's when I'm in the car; I'll see a horrible accident that doesn't happen. But sometimes I just think about what would happen if I wasn't around anymore.

The thought of my death never used to bother me, before I was a mom. It was never one of my fears, in fact I sometimes would wish I died in a really spectacular way, like a plane crash or shark attack, rather than in my sleep or of an old age illness. But now I have to live. Someone in the world really depends on me, and if I was to die soon it could really fuck him up.

Mom Myths That (Thankfully) Weren't True

There are a lot of scary truths that hit you smack in the face when you are pregnant and have a baby. Things you never imagined doing or seeing become a reality. But there are other things people tell you to expect that just aren't true - or at least they weren't for me. Here are a few myths about having a baby that I am very happy weren't true.

1) Having A Baby Is Expensive
I know the cost will become more of an issue as my son gets older, but so far expenses haven't been too bad. Breastfeeding, while certainly having an emotional toll and causing you to eat a bit more, is free. There are countless mommy networks around every community with second hand clothes and play things, not to mention all the gifts and hand-me-downs from friends and family. Look on Craigslist or kijiji for some great used dressers/change tables, strollers, and cribs to offset some of the biggest costs.


2) Your Breasts Will Be Ruined After Breastfeeding
This myth really freaked me out. I have never had a lot going on for me physically, but my boobs have always been pretty good. Once I finished breastfeeding I nervously awaited my deflated, nipples-facing-the-ground fate. But you know what? It never happened. Yes, they are different than pre-baby, but they aren't bad. They are still roughly the same size, just softer. And you know what? I kind of like them.


3) You Won't Be Able To Travel
I get a lot of bug eyed stares when I tell people how much we have traveled with our son already. When he was a month and a half we took two weeks over Christmas and drove six hours away, and then flew to visit my husbands family from there. At 2.5 months we went to Mexico for a week and got married. Since then we have been on many more trips (some of them even solo - just me and my son). We have gone camping, and we plan to go again in a couple weeks. This all before my son is nine months old.
Now, I have a lot of things I could say about traveling with a baby, and if you have any questions please feel free ask me, but since that isn't the focus of this article I'll just give these tips: The younger a baby is, the easier it is to travel with them. I know it sounds crazy, but when they are still in the stage where they sleep anywhere - take advantage of it. And lastly, the more often you get out and go places, even when it seems scary and uncomfortable, the easier it gets.

4) You Won't Have Alone Time With Your Partner
I am insanely jealous of people with family close by. My husband and I happen to live in a city without anyone we know near us. If you have people you trust around you, take advantage of it. Go on a date night even if its just for an hour to the restaurant down the street.  While we don't have that option, at about 3 months my son started getting on a schedule where he went to sleep around 7pm. I was nervous about being on a rigid schedule at first, but to be honest it has been one of the best things for our marriage. Once the boy is in bed, we have a couple hours to ourselves; to talk or veg out on TV or even (once I was healed and ready) head to the bedroom.


5) You Have To 'Pump And Dump'
I like a good alcoholic beverage, and once my pregnancy was over I was really looking forward to being able to have a couple drinks. I had heard a lot about pumping and dumping (the theory that when you drink alcohol you need to expel the milk that comes down after and throw it away because it is dangerous for the baby to drink). I had a lot of questions when I first started breastfeeding, and after extensive research I found so much help reading what Dr. Jack Newman had to say. His research shows that not only is pumping and dumping literally pointless, but if you have a few drinks and feel good enough to drive, you are fine to breastfeed. His research goes into so much more depth than about just drinking, but if you want to read some more myths about breastfeeding click on this link to view great article from his team.

6) You Won't Be Able To Go Out With Friends Or Alone
I thought that once I had a baby I wouldn't be able to see my friends and go out for a girls night anymore. When your baby goes to sleep for the evening, and if you have a supportive partner or trusted family member, you can totally go out! Pump some milk for a bottle if you are breastfeeding and let someone else take the night shift every once in a while. Having some alone or friend time has been essential to my sanity, and has made me a better mom, because I end up missing my boy and can't wait to see him after I get a little break from the mom routine. 

What scary things were you told to expect about being a mom that just didn't end up being true?

Feeding the boy in Waterton National Park

I am a Horrible Selfish Mom: I Weaned My Baby.

When my son was born I knew nothing about breastfeeding. It was terribly ignorant of me to just think everything would be fine, even though I had heard it was hard. What the hell did that mean? How could breastfeeding be hard? Your baby opens his mouth, in goes your nipple, and bam!, milk starts a flowin'. The reality for me was not that simple. It was 6 weeks of pain and bleeding and crying and feeding every hour and a half.

But this post is not about that, because in the end I figured it out. I sought the help of a lactation consultant, and my son was diagnosed with a tongue tie. After 6 weeks things were great. Perfect, in fact I would say. I had no need to supplement ever with formula. My son was gaining weight famously. It was another bodily miracle, and I was proud.

Fast forward to when son was 6 months old. Now, in my head I had never placed a time limit for how long I would breastfeed. I just thought, "I'll do it as long as I can". But what about what I wanted? Forget my ability, forget what I could do, what about my desires as an actual individual person?