Tuesday, December 29, 2015

12 Superpowers Every Mom Gains in the First Year of Her Child's Life

I was in the dark, like most mortals are before they have children. Don't get me wrong, as a child I knew they would make everything better. Even though that power faded as I got older, deep down I knew something was still different about mothers.

It wasn't until I actually became a parent I knew why: All mothers are superheros. I'm not joking, and to prove it to you I am going to let you in on a big secret. A mother gains a superpower a month in the first year of her child's life. 

Month 1: She Can Live Without Sleep
She doesn't even know how she is doing it, but she can go a full 30 days without sleep. There are event times during this month she actually doesn't even feel tired, like she is just used to this new way of living.

Month 2: Super Human Hearing
Her baby stirs and she can hear it. It's almost not even noise, but a sixth sense that wakes her. Spouses absolutely do not and will never have this power.

Month 3: Extreme Speed Eating
She can scarf a meal faster than  Kobayashi goes through 50 hot dogs. She's learned not to mess with an opportunity to eat. She never knows when that elusive food window will suddenly close, and she has learned to not tempt fate.
Moms got it under control 
Month 4: Super Showers
After months of being pretty damn dirty she has finally mastered the art of the mom shower. She has the timing of when to jump in down to a science. And she cleans the dirtiest bits first just in case she needs to jump out with a second's notice.

Month 5: Feeding Queen
She is a milking maven. What used to be so confusing is now second nature. She can feed her baby where ever she wants without stressing, sweating, or worrying. She's had a steep learning curve, and is damn proud of every ounce her child has gained.

Month 6: Deciphering Cries
She's learned a whole new language in 6 months. Tired? Bored? Hungry? She can tell just from a subtle sound.

Month 7: Super Scent
She had an extreme taste of this superpower while she was pregnant, smelling things no average human could. Now the power is used mostly to smell dirty diapers the instant they happen.

Month 8: Super Human Sight
She can see the tiniest things on the floor that no one else can. And it's a good thing, because it seems her baby has inherited this superpower, and is oddly drawn to every single tiny choking hazard they can find. 

Month 9: Super Human Strength
Carrying a baby on her hip leads to her dominant hand becoming a force to be reckoned with. Everything can be done with one hand now, and things that used to be heavy feel like a feather.

Month 10: Expert Chef
At first figuring out what to feed her baby was overwhelming. Now she has snacks ready on a whim, and meals figured out for the baby way before her own dinner.

Month 11: Super Intuition
This is one of the greatest superpowers in a mothers life, and it is just starting to be honed now. She knows if something is wrong with her child even if no one else agrees, and she also knows, just by the sound of silence, when her child is up to no good. This power only strengthens as the years go on.

Month 12: The Ability to Forget Pain
It was only a year ago she had one of the most painful experiences of her life, but yet thoughts of doing it all over again begin to creep in. 

So now you know. Mothers are different because they are superheros. They even might be able to leap from tall buildings, if they had to. Regardless, they are always aware that with great power, comes great responsibility.

What's your superpower?

Tuesday, December 22, 2015

I Don't Care If My 1 Year Old Celebrates Christmas

I'm usually a pretty big fan of Christmas, but this year, I can't really be bothered. Last year was a write off because my son was only about a month old, and I was a frazzled new mom. So what's my excuse this year? I don't really know. Maybe I'm just lazy.

Boy sits on Santa's kneeRecently I was asked if I was putting up a Christmas tree. Haha... good one. Hell no I'm not putting a tree up! I don't care if my son would get 20 minutes of holiday joy a day looking at the lights and decorations. Do you know how my entire day would be spent?

"No, get away from the tree!"
"Don't touch the decorations, they are for looking not touching!"
"Please don't put the 'everything-you-can-touch' in your mouth!"
"Be Careful! You're going to pull the tree down!"

And all of this talk, every minute of every day, would be to a person who either doesn't understand what I am telling him, or doesn't give a fuck. I haven't quite figured out how smart he is yet.

I was also caught off guard the other day when someone asked what Santa was bringing my son for Christmas. I say caught off guard, because Santa is not bringing him anything for Christmas, and I didn't know what to tell her. My kid doesn't know who Santa is, so why would I bother? It's not like he is starving or desperate for anything at all. Whatever he needs, I buy him, and more. So is it really necessary to get him a gift, when he doesn't care?

I feel like I will invest more into this all when he does. Right now I'm focusing my energy on things that are actually important. Who knows though, maybe this whole Christmas thing has just become too overwhelming, and I'll always be shit at it.

So what do you think? Am I a lazy Grinch mom, or does it make sense to not do much for a 1 year old for Christmas? Let me know, I can handle it.

Boy holds Christmas Present


Thursday, December 17, 2015

The Truth About Why Being a New Mom Is Hard

I've been doing some reflecting recently on the first few months of motherhood. I really found being a new mom challenging. With a one year old now running around and getting into everything, I look back at those early days and wonder what the hell was so hard? Babies have such basic needs: they don't move around, you have complete control over them... so why was I crying every day? Why was it so damn difficult?

After careful thought, I think I finally have some answers:

  • It wasn't the baby that was hard, it was the reality finally hitting me that my life was never going to be the same, and having to actually accept that. 

Sunday, December 13, 2015

Pictures With Santa Are Damn Expensive

I recently went to go check out my local mall Santa with my one year old son, and got serious sticker shock. What the hell has happened to Santa? This is all new new to me, so how long have pictures with Santa been so damn expensive?

Price Sheet for Santa Photos
My family is doing fine financially, and I do not know if I can justify the expense of a picture with our local mall Santa. Where is the harm in letting my son meet the big guy in red and allowing me to take a couple photos myself? Or even charging me a nominal fee to take my own photos? At my local mall the cheapest option is to have one photo printed for $22.

I can understand paying a good amount of money for a photo shoot with a professional photographer for your Christmas card. These people capture your family in a variety of poses and and provide a good quantity of edited pictures. But how the hell does a mall production where you sit on Santa's knee and smile end up costing up to $100?