That's One Sexy Mother

Feeling sexy and being a mom are two opposing forces in my brain; which is pretty weird considering sex is what got me into this situation in the first place. 

Recently I went away for a girl’s weekend with my sister, and something was ignited inside of me. I came home feeling fired up; hot, sexy, confident… only to have that fire put out after 24 hours of mothering. That’s when it clicked. For me, being a mom is like putting a wet blanket on my sexuality. It’s not something I’ve intentionally done to myself, but it’s something that has absolutely happened, and I need to fix it.

To be clear, I’m not saying that since becoming a mom I have been frigid; things have been… fine. But the confident desire that once exuded from me has dulled, and in truth there have been times where I didn’t think it would ever come back.

I’ve never been the typical ‘hot girl’, but before I had kids I felt quite confident. I remember being heavily pregnant with my first son on the Metro in Montreal, and no one was looking at me in the way they once did. I realized that, although I didn’t yet feel like one, to these people I was already a mother. And that’s what I’ve been for the past four years when I go out in public. I’m a ‘mom’, and to be honest I’m often a frazzled, frumpy, stressed out mom at that. I’m not trying to say all of my confidence comes from the attention of others, but damn - feeling desired sure does provide a great ego boost sometimes, and what’s wrong with that? 

"Just believe in yourself. Even if you don’t, pretend that you do and, at some point, you will." 

–  Venus Williams

Let’s face it; there are super valid reasons for having a shitty self-image and therefore a lower sexual vibe after becoming a mom. Stitches in the vag, weight gain, acne, night sweats, weird veins, cellulite, skin tags, stretch marks… and lets not forget or diminish how breastfeeding completely takes away the sexuality of our knockers. The list of changes to our bodies are endless, with the majority of them being what society would consider ‘flaws’. At times it feels nearly impossible to be sexual when your body has changed so much and your hormones are a mess. You’ve got kids hanging off of you, you are exhausted, and to top it off society looks at you as a mom, and not a fine ass woman.

Now timing is everything, and this recent trip with my sister ticked all the boxes for me: I’m a year out from having my final child (which feels amazing to know), the hormones are finally dwindling, I’ve been taking better care of myself physically and emotionally, and I am no longer breastfeeding.  I was completely ready to do something just for me.

I don’t remember the last time I spent 2 hours getting ready for a night out. It felt so good to put an immense amount of effort into my appearance, and I felt hot. I’m not sure if I actually looked hot, or if I was projecting my feelings about myself onto others, but it kind of seemed to me like people were paying attention. It honestly feels like ages since I’ve been looked at in a sexual way from anyone other than my husband, and whether it was all in my head or not, it made me feel amazing.

“Self-confidence is the most attractive quality a person can have. How can anyone see how great you are, if you can’t see it yourself?" 

- Unknown

So here’s my high level motivational speaker thought that came out of all this; Maybe for the past 4 years people have actually thought of me as attractive, but because I have felt poorly about myself I couldn’t see it. And if that’s true, then it doesn’t fucking matter how others perceive me, what matters is ONLY how I feel about myself. Gulp.

I feel like I’m at a place in my journey into motherhood that I can truly start to believe this, but from one mom to another I want you to know that if you aren’t there yet it’s absolutely understandable. Our bodies, minds, and who we are as people change so dramatically when we become moms. It only makes sense that our sexuality also gets thrown totally out of whack. But, when you are ready, let’s all agree that we can be amazing caregivers AND be super sexual fierce confident woman. Embracing that sexiness doesn’t conflict with being a mother in any way, in fact it only makes us more complete and whole people.

 

The Morning After A Night Out is What Matters the Most

The other night I went out with a group of ladies (for the first time in far too long). Naturally, the conversation turned to our partners who were at home watching the kids. Some women were getting update texts from home, while others enjoyed a baby-free phone-zone for the night. It got us talking about how it's not so much the evening away that is important, but rather, the morning after.

Before becoming a parent I didn't realize what the big deal was with a mom or dad going out for an evening. Some spouses seemed furious that their partners were having a night out. Now I know why; It's not about that night, it's about the morning after. I'm not exactly sure why, but I can tell you from experience that it is infuriating when you are doing everything solo for a day while your spouse nurses a hangover.

One night, when we were young and naive about the morning after hell, my husband and I both partied way to hard, and ended up on a rotating nap shift for the entire day. To cope in the morning one of us engaged our baby for as long as we could, and then tagged out the other from the bedroom when we couldn't take it anymore. We learned our lesson - absolutely nothing is worth going through that again.

Love Letter to Non-Mom Friends

I always heard when you had a baby your friends would change - Your childless BFFs would slowly be phased out of your life, and the people with kids around you would become your new lifeline. And while I have made some amazing new mommy friends who I could not have got through these first few motherhood months without, I have come to appreciate my non-mom friends more than ever. Here's why:

Non-Mom Friends Can Go Out Late

It's a rare night that I have the energy to go out for a nice dinner and glass of wine, but when it happens I need someone who is down to go out NOW. Mom friends are often busy with their families, or tired, or it's their night to go out tomorrow. It is difficult to make two mom's schedules work together.

Thank you non-mom friend, for always being there for me whenever it works for me.

Non-Mom Friends Don't Talk About Kids

I love my son, and I love talking about him. But I spend the majority of my awake time with him. My mom friends and I can talk about nap training and poop texture and milestones for hours. And sometimes it all just gets a bit monochromatic. Sometimes I want to talk about anything other than kids. I want to hear about a life that doesn't involve kids. I want to not even say the word 'kids' for an evening.

Thank you non-mom friend, for helping me remember the other aspects of my life to talk about.

Non-Mom Friends Look Current

Since I had my son I have not kept up with fashion trends. Don't get me wrong, I'm not always in sweats and a tank top, but when I do dress up it's in clothes I bought before I got pregnant. My shopping experience has gone from a leisurely enjoyable day to a ten minute scramble where I grab anything in my size, try to fit my stroller into a change room, and hope my son doesn't have a meltdown before I can find something that (please!) just fits.

Thank you non-mom friend, for being my go-to gal for what is on trend in the current year.

Non-Mom Friends Can Drink

I used to be able to party pretty hard. I don't know if I am bragging or complaining, but a fact is a fact. Nowadays having a few too many drinks is slightly frightening, because with a baby there is no sleeping off a hangover. But sometimes, I need to let loose. Sometimes I need a friend who is going to share a bottle of wine with me and then not hesitate to order another, because they don't have to get up at 6am and be responsible for another human.

Thank you non-mom friend, for being a great girl to get wasted with.

So here's to all the non-mom friends who help to ground and lighten the lives of moms all over the world. You are unselfish and so supportive of us. We love you!