Friday, January 16, 2015

Holy shit. I'm a mom.

I always thought moms were 'different'. That something fundamentally changed inside when you became a mom. I looked at them differently. I judged them.

I'm only 2 months into this gig but I am all sorts of confused, because I still just feel like me. In fact if someone were to ask me if I had kids, I might hesitate because most of the time I don't feel 'mom' like. 


I still want to do all the things I did before I was a mom: go to the gym, go out for dinner, go for a walk, go shopping, go for drinks with friends... I'd really like to keep it all up. It's just a lot more difficult lugging a kid around with you. Hell, I couldn't even go pee at the theatre yesterday because I would have had to pack the kid up in the middle of the show, so instead I tried to dehydrate myself by eating popcorn until the movie was over.  

That said, I think I've done pretty well being mobile with my little one. Getting him out is becoming much easier. But activities won't be the same as they used to be for a long time, that's becoming very clear. Even so, lugging a kid around doesn't really make me feel much different than pre-kid. I feel like the same me except carrying a baby, whipping out my boob in public, and making a few more pit stops than before. 

And yet, there are these moments where I suddenly feel this intense love for my son - as if my small heart has grown three sizes just like the Grinch. In these moments I look at my boy and really do feel like a mom; a proud, sappy, silly mom in love with her son. 

It's all very confusing. 

I wonder if time will bring clarity on how I'll define my 'mom' self or if it will always feel a bit foreign. 



2 comments:

  1. In time, your pre-mom self will likely become a faded memory of life before all the really good stuff happened! And it will become much more real when he gets legs.

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  2. audythefrenchoneJuly 28, 2016 at 8:52 PM

    I'm 4 months into this and I feel the same way. I still haven't truly wrapped my head around the fact that I'm a mom now. But at the same time, my mamma bear instinct came out.

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