That's One Sexy Mother

Feeling sexy and being a mom are two opposing forces in my brain; which is pretty weird considering sex is what got me into this situation in the first place. 

Recently I went away for a girl’s weekend with my sister, and something was ignited inside of me. I came home feeling fired up; hot, sexy, confident… only to have that fire put out after 24 hours of mothering. That’s when it clicked. For me, being a mom is like putting a wet blanket on my sexuality. It’s not something I’ve intentionally done to myself, but it’s something that has absolutely happened, and I need to fix it.

To be clear, I’m not saying that since becoming a mom I have been frigid; things have been… fine. But the confident desire that once exuded from me has dulled, and in truth there have been times where I didn’t think it would ever come back.

I’ve never been the typical ‘hot girl’, but before I had kids I felt quite confident. I remember being heavily pregnant with my first son on the Metro in Montreal, and no one was looking at me in the way they once did. I realized that, although I didn’t yet feel like one, to these people I was already a mother. And that’s what I’ve been for the past four years when I go out in public. I’m a ‘mom’, and to be honest I’m often a frazzled, frumpy, stressed out mom at that. I’m not trying to say all of my confidence comes from the attention of others, but damn - feeling desired sure does provide a great ego boost sometimes, and what’s wrong with that? 

"Just believe in yourself. Even if you don’t, pretend that you do and, at some point, you will." 

–  Venus Williams

Let’s face it; there are super valid reasons for having a shitty self-image and therefore a lower sexual vibe after becoming a mom. Stitches in the vag, weight gain, acne, night sweats, weird veins, cellulite, skin tags, stretch marks… and lets not forget or diminish how breastfeeding completely takes away the sexuality of our knockers. The list of changes to our bodies are endless, with the majority of them being what society would consider ‘flaws’. At times it feels nearly impossible to be sexual when your body has changed so much and your hormones are a mess. You’ve got kids hanging off of you, you are exhausted, and to top it off society looks at you as a mom, and not a fine ass woman.

Now timing is everything, and this recent trip with my sister ticked all the boxes for me: I’m a year out from having my final child (which feels amazing to know), the hormones are finally dwindling, I’ve been taking better care of myself physically and emotionally, and I am no longer breastfeeding.  I was completely ready to do something just for me.

I don’t remember the last time I spent 2 hours getting ready for a night out. It felt so good to put an immense amount of effort into my appearance, and I felt hot. I’m not sure if I actually looked hot, or if I was projecting my feelings about myself onto others, but it kind of seemed to me like people were paying attention. It honestly feels like ages since I’ve been looked at in a sexual way from anyone other than my husband, and whether it was all in my head or not, it made me feel amazing.

“Self-confidence is the most attractive quality a person can have. How can anyone see how great you are, if you can’t see it yourself?" 

- Unknown

So here’s my high level motivational speaker thought that came out of all this; Maybe for the past 4 years people have actually thought of me as attractive, but because I have felt poorly about myself I couldn’t see it. And if that’s true, then it doesn’t fucking matter how others perceive me, what matters is ONLY how I feel about myself. Gulp.

I feel like I’m at a place in my journey into motherhood that I can truly start to believe this, but from one mom to another I want you to know that if you aren’t there yet it’s absolutely understandable. Our bodies, minds, and who we are as people change so dramatically when we become moms. It only makes sense that our sexuality also gets thrown totally out of whack. But, when you are ready, let’s all agree that we can be amazing caregivers AND be super sexual fierce confident woman. Embracing that sexiness doesn’t conflict with being a mother in any way, in fact it only makes us more complete and whole people.

 

15 Thoughts All Women Have In The First 3 Months Of Pregnancy

It seems fairly commonplace to keep your pregnancy a secret for the first 3 months of your pregnancy. During this time there are so many moments where you want to tell the world what you are going through! I's a confusing time, intense sensations are all around you, and you have to lie to everyone you know! 

It can help knowing many women go through the same thing, and it's pretty funny to read the thoughts that we all think but can't share with anyone. These are the 15 thoughts all woman have in early pregnancy when we can't quite share the news...

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Ask Me If I'm Pregnant: I Dare You

About 5 years ago I had someone ask me when I was due. I had my first child in late 2014.
You do the math; It was crushing.

Yes, even this big, don't assume.

 I have never been a thin small woman, but I certainly don't think I have ever looked 6+ months pregnant (except for when I actually was pregnant, and I looked about 17+ months). I'm not sure what prompts people to inquire about a woman's pregnancy when they aren't positive, but it needs to stop. And I have a very easy plan I think we can all get on board with.

At the time I was asked about being pregnant I responded in a super awkward way. I was worried about making that jerk feel bad, so I lied and told them I actually was with child. Later I went home and felt so sorry for myself that I ate a bag of chips and then felt guilty for perpetuating the habits that apparently made me look visibly pregnant.

The comment affected me quite a bit, which is obvious considering I am writing about it 5 years later. But I think what makes me most upset is how I handled it. That person needed to be taught a lesson, and instead I clammed up and left them to go stab at other women's self esteem in the future.

So here's the very simple plan to end this problem:

1) Don't ever ask a woman if she is pregnant. Literally ever.

2) If you are ever asked if you are pregnant, and you are not, shame the fuck out of that person. Tell them it is incredibly rude to ask. Tell them you absolutely are not, and that they should never ever ask that question of anyone again. Make them feel so bad that they never even dare to ask another woman if she is pregnant, because obviously they have horrible judgement, and shouldn't be trusted with talking to strangers in an acceptable respectable way.

Two steps. That's it. If you follow these simple instructions we just may eliminate this awkward situation from ever happening again.

So share this blog and lets get this movement started!

What Canadian Postnatal Care Can Learn From The Dutch

Today I came across an interesting article in the Huffington Post about an amazing way the Netherlands looks after women in the days following birth. I was overwhelmed with what the impact of such care would have meant to myself, and all Canadians.

Get this: In Holland a special nurse comes to your home for the first week (or longer) to help with postnatal care not only for the baby, but also the mother. Now, I had a midwife when I gave birth to my son, and one of the best things about midwife care, in my opinion, is that they come to your home for pre and postnatal check-ups. I was so grateful for her (shout out to the Saskatoon Midwives!), and felt so bad every time I heard of a mother having to travel for her postnatal care.

But the Dutch postnatal nurses, called kraamverzorgster, take things to another level. They not only do the regular check ups for mom and baby, and help with breastfeeding as midwives do in Canada, but they come to your home for a full 7-8 hours a day, acting as a caregiver for the mom's well being and ensuring she has all the support she needs. Including helping with older children.

Kraamverzorgster Back In The Day

The kraamverzorgster will even cook the mom breakfast every morning. Wait, whaaatttt? The hardest thing for me in the first few days after my sons birth was not sleep, as so many think. It was EATING. Every time I attempted to even heat up a cup of coffee in the microwave, my son squawked and it was back to breastfeeding. I truly think the first postnatal month I ate less than I ever have in my entire life. Help with food during this time is so important because of the trauma your body has just gone through, and the extra energy breastfeeding takes.

In this blog from an expat in the Netherlands she explains that the kraamverzorgster would even run errands for her! Wow, what a resource. I think any of us who have experienced having a child here in Canada realizes how amazing this would be, and how much we can learn from this Dutch postnatal care goddess program.

These beautiful nurses also do various other things like household chores (hello new baby laundry), logging all the poos and pees (we all remember that panic don't we!), and monitoring the baby's general health. And all of this is paid by health care!

So what can we do, mamas, to get this going at home in Canada? Spread the word and insist on better support from our health leaders? I have little hope of that happening, so maybe instead we spread the word about this being the best gift idea ever for new moms. Forget the diaper cakes and cute outfits; the next time one of your friends announces they are pregnant, get everyone to pool their money and fly over a kraamverzorgster from Holland. I think we can all agree, it would be the most life changing gift to ever be given!

Mom Myths That (Thankfully) Weren't True

There are a lot of scary truths that hit you smack in the face when you are pregnant and have a baby. Things you never imagined doing or seeing become a reality. But there are other things people tell you to expect that just aren't true - or at least they weren't for me. Here are a few myths about having a baby that I am very happy weren't true.

1) Having A Baby Is Expensive
I know the cost will become more of an issue as my son gets older, but so far expenses haven't been too bad. Breastfeeding, while certainly having an emotional toll and causing you to eat a bit more, is free. There are countless mommy networks around every community with second hand clothes and play things, not to mention all the gifts and hand-me-downs from friends and family. Look on Craigslist or kijiji for some great used dressers/change tables, strollers, and cribs to offset some of the biggest costs.


2) Your Breasts Will Be Ruined After Breastfeeding
This myth really freaked me out. I have never had a lot going on for me physically, but my boobs have always been pretty good. Once I finished breastfeeding I nervously awaited my deflated, nipples-facing-the-ground fate. But you know what? It never happened. Yes, they are different than pre-baby, but they aren't bad. They are still roughly the same size, just softer. And you know what? I kind of like them.


3) You Won't Be Able To Travel
I get a lot of bug eyed stares when I tell people how much we have traveled with our son already. When he was a month and a half we took two weeks over Christmas and drove six hours away, and then flew to visit my husbands family from there. At 2.5 months we went to Mexico for a week and got married. Since then we have been on many more trips (some of them even solo - just me and my son). We have gone camping, and we plan to go again in a couple weeks. This all before my son is nine months old.
Now, I have a lot of things I could say about traveling with a baby, and if you have any questions please feel free ask me, but since that isn't the focus of this article I'll just give these tips: The younger a baby is, the easier it is to travel with them. I know it sounds crazy, but when they are still in the stage where they sleep anywhere - take advantage of it. And lastly, the more often you get out and go places, even when it seems scary and uncomfortable, the easier it gets.

4) You Won't Have Alone Time With Your Partner
I am insanely jealous of people with family close by. My husband and I happen to live in a city without anyone we know near us. If you have people you trust around you, take advantage of it. Go on a date night even if its just for an hour to the restaurant down the street.  While we don't have that option, at about 3 months my son started getting on a schedule where he went to sleep around 7pm. I was nervous about being on a rigid schedule at first, but to be honest it has been one of the best things for our marriage. Once the boy is in bed, we have a couple hours to ourselves; to talk or veg out on TV or even (once I was healed and ready) head to the bedroom.


5) You Have To 'Pump And Dump'
I like a good alcoholic beverage, and once my pregnancy was over I was really looking forward to being able to have a couple drinks. I had heard a lot about pumping and dumping (the theory that when you drink alcohol you need to expel the milk that comes down after and throw it away because it is dangerous for the baby to drink). I had a lot of questions when I first started breastfeeding, and after extensive research I found so much help reading what Dr. Jack Newman had to say. His research shows that not only is pumping and dumping literally pointless, but if you have a few drinks and feel good enough to drive, you are fine to breastfeed. His research goes into so much more depth than about just drinking, but if you want to read some more myths about breastfeeding click on this link to view great article from his team.

6) You Won't Be Able To Go Out With Friends Or Alone
I thought that once I had a baby I wouldn't be able to see my friends and go out for a girls night anymore. When your baby goes to sleep for the evening, and if you have a supportive partner or trusted family member, you can totally go out! Pump some milk for a bottle if you are breastfeeding and let someone else take the night shift every once in a while. Having some alone or friend time has been essential to my sanity, and has made me a better mom, because I end up missing my boy and can't wait to see him after I get a little break from the mom routine. 

What scary things were you told to expect about being a mom that just didn't end up being true?

Feeding the boy in Waterton National Park

I am a Horrible Selfish Mom: I Weaned My Baby.

When my son was born I knew nothing about breastfeeding. It was terribly ignorant of me to just think everything would be fine, even though I had heard it was hard. What the hell did that mean? How could breastfeeding be hard? Your baby opens his mouth, in goes your nipple, and bam!, milk starts a flowin'. The reality for me was not that simple. It was 6 weeks of pain and bleeding and crying and feeding every hour and a half.

But this post is not about that, because in the end I figured it out. I sought the help of a lactation consultant, and my son was diagnosed with a tongue tie. After 6 weeks things were great. Perfect, in fact I would say. I had no need to supplement ever with formula. My son was gaining weight famously. It was another bodily miracle, and I was proud.

Fast forward to when son was 6 months old. Now, in my head I had never placed a time limit for how long I would breastfeed. I just thought, "I'll do it as long as I can". But what about what I wanted? Forget my ability, forget what I could do, what about my desires as an actual individual person? 

To My Pregnant Sister...

My sister: I am so happy you are pregnant and going to have a sweet baby soon. But thinking back to when my son was born 4 months ago, I realize that I might have said some things about birth and being a new mom that scared you. So I wanted to clarify them for you now. 

When I said labour was hell...

I meant it. 

The uncertainty was so scary. The contractions were the worst pain I have ever felt in my life. My water breaking was weird and gross and felt like the biggest period of my life gushing every time I stood up... for 18 hours straight. I screamed and cried and yelled just like the movies, but way longer. I told the nurse I couldn't do it, because I really didn't think I could.