Because Of Las Vegas

This probably sounds cliché and a bit morbid, but I can't stop thinking about the parents that died senselessly in Las Vegas on the weekend; Young vibrant people with small carefree children. What a huge shift in day-to-day reality these families must be experiencing now.

It makes me, selfishly, think about how if I was to leave tomorrow, my kids might not have a memory of me. And it hurts me so deeply for them.

I've been quite open about how parenthood has been challenging for me, but the challenges have always been because of my own shit, never ever because of them. They are the most amazing kids. They make me laugh every single day, and at least once a day I think of how lucky I am to have them in my life.

I tell them probably a hundred times a day that I love them. Every night I whisper in my oldest's ear 'I love you so much'. We joke back and forth 'I love youuuuu more!', but I know I will always love him more. My youngest can't talk yet, but he brings so much joy to my world I actually can't even comprehend it myself. He's the happiest baby and my heart bursts thinking of him.

Parenting can be really difficult, and it's easy to get caught up in the bad moments when life is busy and crazy. But in spite of all the complexities, nothing can ever change how much I love my family. I can only hope that one day I get the opportunity to express that immense love to my children, when they are old enough to truly understand it.

Research Obsessed Moms

Looks like I picked a great potty - for balls.

I don't know about you, but ever since I became a mom I am obsessed with online research. This pertains to anything and everything. Toys, food, baby furniture... you name it and I research it. Today I even researched a potty for fucks sake. I researched a piece of plastic for my son to pee into. I may have a problem.

I think it all started when I was pregnant and clueless about baby gear. I was not one of those moms who bought everything in advance. I didn't even make my son's room look good. I waited and waited for all of those nesting feelings to kick in, and they never did. So about a month out from my due date I finally figured it was time to buy a car seat and stroller. That's when the researching madness began.

Who knew there were so many factors to consider when buying a stroller? How many wheels do you want, what is the capacity of the basket, does it convert for a bucket seat and a toddler seat, does it include a bassinet... holy moly it was overwhelming. I actually realized in these moments that I had no clue what I was doing. And if I didn't have a clue about a stroller, I was probably clueless in general.