To My Boy - On His First Birthday

I'm not sure if it's normal, but I find myself visualizing bad things on a fairly regular basis. Usually it's when I'm in the car; I'll see a horrible accident that doesn't happen. But sometimes I just think about what would happen if I wasn't around anymore.

The thought of my death never used to bother me, before I was a mom. It was never one of my fears, in fact I sometimes would wish I died in a really spectacular way, like a plane crash or shark attack, rather than in my sleep or of an old age illness. But now I have to live. Someone in the world really depends on me, and if I was to die soon it could really fuck him up.



So now I find myself thinking about what would happen to my son if I died. My husband is an amazing man, and I know without question he would be taken care of. But what would Eli think of me? What would he learn about me? Today being his first birthday it's doubtful he would have any memories of me. And that's one reason I am so thankful to have this blog.

However, I realize looking back on some of my posts over the past year that I haven't painted a full picture of the reality of my life with Eli. If he was to read through this blog he wouldn't hear me tell him I love him every night when I put him to bed. Or how at times I can't actually physically refrain from hugging and kissing him over and over.

I've tried to be really honest about the actual process of birth, give advice on the unique things I've gone through, be funny about the times I've totally failed, share when I wasn't feeling good enough, and explain how difficult it can be to give up my career. But I think I've missed the mark when it comes to conveying how much I love my boy. So I'm going to try to do that now, without great detail or elaboration; simply and succinctly, for him whenever the worst does happen, and for my own crazy mind.



Eli, I love you. 

Everything you have done in this first year of your life has enriched mine. I have learned more from you than I did in the past ten years combined. It has been fascinating and enlightening to watch you grow. I know so much more about my own physical body and mind because I have been able to watch you. I am a better person because you have given me a monumental amount of perspective. Thank you for that.

My favourite parts of this year are too plentiful to list. You have always been such a good boy. Nothing that I've complained about has ever been your fault, it's always been my own internal struggles. You are so strong, you have always been. I am in awe of your strength.

Every day you make me laugh. You are talking so much more now, and even though you don't say 'mama' but yet you say 'shoes', I know you love me. Seeing you with your dad makes my heart swell. Your love for animals brings joy to my life. I cherish the rare cuddles I get from you. Your patience astounds me. I am grateful for how much time we spend together. I am an immensely happier person because of you.

I love you my boy. I love you more than the moon. I can't wait to see what each year of your life brings to my world. I love you Eli. 

Happy Birthday my boy.